Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
did i walk over a car last night?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
