actually, I'm a sock model
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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