Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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