if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
