I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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