I want to have your abortion
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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