Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
