Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
