why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
