The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
