there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
