i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she peed on how many people?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize