Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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