Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize