I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
