I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
