I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you inspire me to be a worse person
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
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