we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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