All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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