I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
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