I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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