she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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