so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize