the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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