I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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