if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
