The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
