dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
