I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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