I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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