I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
