remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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