it wasn't lemon gatorade
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
