I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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