hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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