I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
