I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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