I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
