Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
