dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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