when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
