what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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