What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
