1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
