I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Randomize
