apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
