If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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