I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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