Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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