I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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