i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
