goodnight i made you a song goodbye
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
