so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
