She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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