im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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