do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
