yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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