last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
