i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
