dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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