I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize